Facing The Devil

Before I could open the passenger side door, Josh was standing beside me with his hand over the handle like he was going to open it for me but he didn’t. “It’s a simple concept,” I said without looking at him. “You lift the handle and the door will open.”

“I know how the door works Anna,” his words came out soft and low.

“Why won’t you look at me?”

“Why should I?” I asked him. “Are you suddenly going to sprout horns to match the person you’ve become?”

“I’m not a bad guy,” he told me. “I made a mistake and I hurt you. I know you hate me Anna and to be honest, I don’t really blame you.”

“Stop it!” I snapped as I glared up at him. “You don’t get to be all apologetic and understanding here. It doesn’t change what you did.”

“You’re right, it doesn’t.” He opened the door for me and then asked me something I had been asking myself for the last couple minutes. “If you are so mad with me and don’t wish to see me, why did you call me? And why did you agree to go to Carol’s with me?”

I crossed my arms over my chest and looked at him. I mean really looked at him. He looked tired, which, if he spent the night tossing and turning like I did, made total sense. “Not everything has to revolve around you Josh.”

He frowned. “What is that supposed to mean?”

Yeah, what did I mean? How does this not revolve around him? You could’ve easily told Chad that you two broke up and that’s why he was being a jerk and not letting Jess and Conner play together. But no, you had to call him and tell him to come over. Why?

“I don’t know,” I told him honestly. “I just…well…”

He closed the car door, “Look Anna just say whatever it is you are thinking. It’ll make you feel better if you do.”

“Ok,” I dropped my arms to my side and took a deep breath. “I think you are a class one jerk. What the hell are you thinking?” I swear he took a step back as I spoke. He didn’t look too happy and I didn’t care, I was upset and he did say to say what was on my mind. “It’s bad enough that you’ve screwed yourself over but do you really have to do it to everyone else? What makes you think you can mess around with everyone’s life like that? Who the hell do you think you are, God?”

He’s jaw had dropped open at some point in my little rant; I guess I surprised him a little but I wasn’t done. “You know it was bad enough that you tried to make me get rid of my best friend but to purposely destroy a friendship between two lonely little boys because you made the biggest mistake of you life? Where the hell do you get off?” I jabbed my finger into his chest. “I never thought you could be that cold and heartless. They are only four and three! They were really looking forward to tomorrow and you just had to go ruin that, didn’t you? Well buddy, I have news for you! I’m not going to let you!” I stood with my hands on my hips, glaring at him as I finished my little tirade.

Josh stared at me, unblinkingly, for what seemed like a good five minutes. And then he shook his head and chuckled. “You called me because you wanted to talk about Conner and Jesse?” I nodded and he snorted. “Of course you did, what the hell was I thinking? That you actually wanted to hear what went on? God, I’m such a fool!”

He turned away from me to rest his elbows on the roof of his car as he stared off into space. “I called Chad to tell him that Jess couldn’t play with Conner because I didn’t want Jesse to have to deal with the hatred your family would have for me because of what’s going on with the baby.”

“They don’t even know about the baby Josh.”

“What?” He looked at me. “You didn’t tell them why we broke up?”

I shook my head, “No, I didn’t even tell them that we broke up. They don’t know, and I would like to keep it that way for now.”

He turned to me, confusion written all over his face. “How…? What…?” He shook his head. “Why don’t you want them to know Anna? It’s not like they won’t put two and two together when they hear about the baby.”

“Yeah, the baby,” I muttered as I kicked at the ground. “You would tell everyone about that.”

“I’m not about to deny my child Anna!”

“Well if you could keep it in your pants, there wouldn’t be a baby!” I grumbled as I turned from him. “But no, you had to go spreading yourself around like it…” I sighed heavily. I needed to know. “Who is she?”

“You don’t know her,” he replied and I rolled my eyes and sighed again. “I’m serious Anna, you don’t. I only know her through work, she’s a coach for the girls’ team in River Valley.”

“Oh,” I wrapped my arms around myself. “So she has a lot of the same interests you do, with the teaching and the sports. That’s nice. I hope you are happy.”

He growled. “No Anna,” he came up behind me and wrapped his hands around my shoulders. “How can I be happy when she’s not the woman I imagined would be carrying my second child? Anna, I made a huge mistake four months ago and yes, I know that’s my fault but I never ever expected this.”

“Well,” I pulled out of his grasp. “Maybe you should’ve been a little more faithful or hey! Maybe use a freaking condom! Now there’s an idea!”

“I don’t have unprotected sex Anna!”

“Yeah right!” I scoffed. “The baby tells me otherwise.” I turned to him. “That and the fact that you’ve never used one with me!”

“You and I didn’t have sex Anna…”

“Oh really Josh? I swear all the experts -”

“We made love damn it!” He yelled at me. “What we did together was never sex, it was making love and I refuse to stand here and listen to you belittle the most beautiful moments in my life!”

That tugged on my heart strings, I closed my eyes to help get a handle on my emotions, I didn’t want to cry in front of him. “Could’ve have been all that beautiful,” I managed to say without my voice cracking too much.
“You threw it all away for what? A one night stand?”

“Anna…” Josh moved towards me.

“No,” I took a step back. “You can’t just say things like that and expect me to forget that you cheated on me Josh!”

“I …” He rubbed his face with his hand. “I didn’t think you would care.”

“You didn’t think…” I punched him in the chest. “How the hell could you think that? I loved you, you stupid jerk! Why wouldn’t I care if you were out boning some other chick?”

“It’s complicated,” he said.

“That’s not an answer,” I replied.

He leaned back against his car and motioned for me to come closer. I did so without thinking. “Anna,” he took my hands in his as he gazed into my eyes. “I was angry and I thought I lost you for good. I had to go out of town for work but all I wanted to do was stay home and drink away the image I had of you and Jordan on his bed.”

“Are you saying this is my fault Josh? Because if you are -” He leaned forward and kissed me softly on the lips.

“No Anna, it’s not your fault, it’s mine. I’m the one who overreacted when I saw you two, I’m the one who went to the hotel bar that night and got pissed out of my tree and I’m the one who slept with Tracy because I was so damn stupid to think that it would make the hurting go away.” He paused for a moment to take a deep breath. “It didn’t help at all, if anything, it only made things worse.”

His fingers laced through mine as we stood under the warmth of the June sun. “I don’t expect you to ever forgive me for what I did Anna, it’s too much to hope for. I just don’t want you to hate me for it.”

With another soft kiss to my lips, he released my hands. “I have to go pick up Jesse,” he told me. “I wish that we were picking him up together but I know that’s a lot to ask given the circumstances.” He went to turn away from me but stopped. “If you really think having Jesse play with Conner won’t be a problem for you, I will bring him over there tomorrow like your brother and I planned weeks ago.”

“I would never get in the way of their friendship Josh.”

He glanced at me and nodded. “I know Anna.” I watched him walk around the front of the car and open his door. He hesitated and looked up at me.

“I don’t hate you,” I told him and I meant it, I didn’t hate him. “I love you.” He raised a brow and I continued. “But I’m not in love with you, I can’t be, it isn’t right between us and I don’t believe it ever was.”

He lowered his head and closed his eyes for a fraction of a second before he looked at me again. “I understand,” he said quietly and then lowered his body into the driver’s seat.

I felt strangely at peace at I stood in the dust that stirred the moment he shifted his car into drive and rolled out of the driveway. I stood there for just a couple minutes before I realized that I wasn’t alone anymore. I turned to see Zack on the porch, leaning over the railing as he watched me.

“Care to talk about it?” He asked as I walked up the steps to join him.

“What’s to talk about?” I asked him. “Josh and I decided that it would be best for the both of us if we were just friends.”

His brow arched, showing his surprise. “Can I ask why?”

I smiled and shrugged, “He wouldn’t understand the smiley face chore on a ‘honey do’ list.”

Zack burst out laughing and threw his arm around my shoulders. “You’ll be ok, won’t you sis?” I hugged him and told him that I’d be fine as long as I have him and the rest of my family loving and supporting me.