Feelings...Talking About Feelings

“Does she know that?”

I didn’t want Carol to be an issue between us, I had no desire to spend any time wondering if she thought that he would take her back now that she was single again, that’s why I asked that question. I could tell that Josh was surprised by it and I really didn’t blame him, I know that’s not the question I would’ve expected if I had just told him the story he told me.

It took a moment for him to respond, the confusion clear in his eyes. “Does she know what?” He asked slowly as if he was still trying to make sense of the question.

“Does she know that you aren’t interested in starting things over again with her?” I know it my insecurities doing the talking but I needed to be sure, Carol did try to make it seem like Josh was still with her when I first met her.

“Of course,” he exclaimed. “Carol knows how I feel about you,” he paused for a second and then added, “And she knows how I feel about her.” When I raised a brow in his direction he sighed. “I guess I should tell you…”

I frowned, “Tell me what?”

He started to shift in the chair, “Well,” he was now down enough to stare straight into my eyes comfortably. “When we were separated, just after my mom had the heart attack, Carol called me to see how she was doing, we didn’t talk for long because I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone so she told me she’d call me later that week to see how mom was doing.”

“Oh,” I looked away from him, for some reason hearing that he talked to her, even just a little when he wasn’t talking to me, hurt. You are being crazy, I lectured myself but it did little to help the jealous feeling inside.

I felt his fingers against my chin as he eased my head back in his direction. “Anna,” his eyes held mine, he seemed to be looking for something and must have found it because he continued. “Carol didn’t call me later that week; I guess she figured that there was no point in calling when she would see me when she dropped Jess off.” Josh went on to tell me that by the time Friday had rolled around that week, he was dead tired. “I looked like crap, I hadn’t slept in forever; I wasn’t really looking after myself. The first thing Carol said when I opened the door was ‘what the hell happened to you?’” He chuckled, shaking his head. “I tried to tell her that I was fine, she didn’t believe me, she thought it had something to do with mom but when I told her that mom was ok considering, she wanted to know what was going on.”

“I told her it was a rough week and tried to get her to leave but she told me that she wasn’t going to leave Jess with me when I couldn’t even look after myself.” Josh stopped, frowned and shook his head. “I don’t even know how it got from that to me sitting at my table rambling on and on about you – things you did, things you said, the way you made me feel whenever you smiled at me…” His lips turned up in a smile when he said that. “I heard myself telling her that you made me feel things I didn’t even know I could feel.” He laughed, “I still can’t believe I did that.”

His arms tightened around me as he kind of got lost in his thoughts. “Josh?” I gently stroked his side as I called his name.

“Mmm?” He smiled down at me.

“What did she say to that?”

“Wha – oh!” He shrugged, “She didn’t say much, I didn’t let her say anything, I went on to tell her that I loved you and missed you.”

I froze, “You told her what happened with Jordan?”

“No,” he shook his head. “I didn’t tell her why we weren’t together, I just said that we were working through some stuff, she seemed alright with that explanation.”

I thought about that for a couple minutes, I didn’t really know what to think honestly. I was happy that he was honest about how he felt about me but I wasn’t sure I liked it at the same time. Maybe it was the fact that he was talking to Carol about me that make me a little uncomfortable. “So you told her you loved me?” He nodded. “And what did she say to that?”

“I kept rambling,” he said with a laugh. “I was just blurting stuff out without even thinking about how I was saying it or what I was saying. I ended up telling her that I thought I loved her once but since I met you, I realized that it wasn’t love at all.”

“Ouch,” I bit my lip. “She didn’t like that at all I bet.”

“Actually, she told me that she knew what I was talking about.”

“Really?” I was shocked.

“Yes,” he nodded. “She said that she noticed changes in me since you came into my life, she told me that before you, there was no way that we could’ve had the conversation we were having. And she was right, I was so angry with her for what she did that it didn’t matter what was said, it would be a big issue between us.”

“But Josh –”

“Anna I know,” he cut me off. “Carol wasn’t perfect and the tension between the two of us since she left me is as much her fault as it is mine but…” he sighed. “Honey I’ve been a little bit of a jerk too. I’ve done things or said them just to piss her off or to make her see how stupid I thought she was for what she did. I couldn’t help it!” He exclaimed, “I felt so betrayed, I didn’t think I deserved to be cheated on and I held on to that feeling longer than I should have because you know what?” He paused, waiting until I shook my head before he continued. “We weren’t right for each other; we both knew it but neither one of us made the move to end it. We were making each other miserable and sure, it would’ve been nice if she didn’t cheat on me but she did and things ended with us like it should’ve years before that moment.”

Josh groaned as he rubbed his left hand over his face. “I’m sorry,” he sighed, “I didn’t mean to go off like that.”

“That’s ok,” I gave him a hug, how could it not be ok? He has sat through me going off more times than I could even count. “I can be your sounding board as easily as you are mine.”

With a chuckle Josh pulled me into his arms and kissed me. “I love you so much Anna.”

The rest of the evening at his parents’ place flew by and soon it was time to leave to bring Jess back to Carol’s house. It was heartbreaking to watch Josh have to say good bye to Jesse that night, he wanted Josh to stay with him but of course Josh couldn’t. It took a while for Jesse to calm down enough so that Josh could talk to him. I’m not sure what he promised Jesse in order for us to leave without too many more tears being shed but whatever it was it seemed to work wonders.

“Love you Daddy,” Jesse said as he gave Josh a kiss on the lips. “I see you Friday!”