Patching Things Up With Zack

Neither one of us said anything at first. He was sitting on my bed, with one leg curled under him, staring down at me, wearing the pjs that I gave him a couple years ago for his birthday. Even in the early morning light I could tell there were no emotions showing on his face; he didn’t smile but he wasn’t frowning either. He was just sitting there watching me. “Zack?” I pressed my hands flat against my mattress and pushed myself up into a sitting position. Rubbing my eyes, I asked him if everything was ok.

But instead of answering my question he asks me one. “Do you know how often I watched you sleep when you were younger?”

“No,” I shook my head. “I didn’t know you watched me at all; I know you watched the girls sometimes when they were not feeling good.” I gave him a weary smile and he returned it, sort of. “When did you watch me Zack?”

“The first couple months after mom and dad died, you were always having nightmares and calling out for them,” he shifted his position on my bed, bringing his other leg up and resting his foot flat against my mattress. “You would always end up in bed with Mary and me; either we’d bring you out because you were scared or I would wake up to find that you snuck in while we were sleeping. Those nights I often laid there watching you sleep, you looked so peaceful but I knew it would only be a matter of time before you started calling out in your sleep.”

It was true, I did have horrible nightmares just after my parents died, a lot of them were of my parents leaving and never coming back, so they were true to life. Some were that I had a real hand in my parents’ death but the worst ones were when I dreamt that Zack and Mary decided that they didn’t want me anymore and I was sent away; those dreams still scare the crap out of me to this day.

“I didn’t sleep that well for the longest time,” he told me. “I didn’t know what I was doing, I didn’t know if I could handle being your guardian when I didn’t even know how to help you through the pain you felt.” He reached out and took my hand in his. “You were blaming yourself for their death and you wouldn’t listen to me or Mary when we told you that it wasn’t your fault. You withdrew from everyone, you weren’t the happy little girl that I knew and it scared the shit out of me Anna.”

“So I stay awake watching you sleep wondering how I was going to help you be a happy little girl again.” Zack sighed and then laughed. “I bet you are wondering why I’m telling you this.”

“Well yes,” I said hesitantly. “I don’t really know what this has to do with…”

“Me being mad at you?” He finished for me and I nodded. “I know it doesn’t make sense Anna, you don’t see why I got upset. Hell! Even Mary doesn’t see why I acted the way I did but I couldn’t help it.”

“Care to explain it?”

Zack nodded, “I think I should.”

“Ok but before you do, I want you to know I really didn’t mean what I said. I was just…well.” I sighed. “I didn’t expect all of you to be waiting for me when I got there, I wasn’t expecting you to be mad and I certainly wasn’t expecting the tension between you and Josh. What the heck was that? I thought you guys were friends?”

Once again, Zack nodded. “We are Anna, nothing had changed there. I don’t have anything against him, I don’t mind that you are dating him but I have to tell you,” Zack shook his head angrily. “This morning I wanted to rip his head off.”

“But why? If you are ok with Josh, why would you act that way?”

“Because I’m your brother?” He offered. “Because I’ve been the guy who was given the job to watch over you? Or maybe just because I watched you go from being really happy when you first started dating him, to withdrawing into that same state you were in after our parents died. I was so worried about you Anna. You have no idea how much I wanted to kick his ass for that.”

“It wasn’t his fault Zack!” I sat forward and stared at him. “I was the one who caused it! I was the one who hurt him by kissing Jordan. What did you expect him to do? Pretend it didn’t happen? Look past the fact that he was hurting because I betrayed his trust?”

“I think he should’ve given you a chance to explain when it happened!” Zack snapped at me. “I think he could’ve told you that he needed a couple days to deal with it and then let you know if he could work past it or not. I don’t like the fact that he just walked out, telling you he would ‘erase you’ if he could! That was low Anna! You don’t say shit like that to someone you love, no matter what they did.” Zack was fuming when he reached the end of that sentence. “Erase you? I can’t believe he said that and seeing him walk in the kitchen with you this morning, with that smile on his face, all I could think about what that comment. I didn’t want to see you go through that again.”

“But we were working it out,” I told him. “You knew we were seeing each other and trying to make it back to where we were. I told you that he wanted to start over again, he wanted to be with me.”

“Yes,” Zack sighed. “You did say that but how do I know that he isn’t going to pull that shit again? When you first started talking to him again, you were on cloud nine, you thought he was taking you back and then he started with the starting over crap again. You were crushed and I could see it Anna, no matter how hard you tried to hide it.”

“But things are better now,” I smiled at him. “Josh and I are back together.”

“Yeah,” Zack glanced away for a second. “Mary told me what happened after I left.”

“Zack please be happy for me, this is what I want. I hated not being with him.”

“I know but I don’t want you to get your hopes up and rush into this, only to end up right back where you started from. I told you in the beginning that it was going to be difficult to have a relationship with Josh because of his work commitments and Jesse. I just don’t want to see you stuck in a situation where you don’t think you can be yourself or get out if you need too.”

“I won’t be stuck,” I told him confidently.

“No?” He raised a brow in my direction. “Why’s that?”

I smiled. “Because I know that you’ll always be there to help me, I don’t even have to ask most times.”

Finally Zack gave me an honest to goodness, ear to ear smile. “Come here you pain in the ass.”

I leaped up on my knees and threw my arms around his neck. “I love you Zacky.”

“Anna!” Zack groaned, he hated it when I called him that. “I love you too sis.”

I felt a million times better as he hugged me tight.

“I guess I should go see if I can get a couple hours of sleep before my other little monsters are awake,” Zack told me when he moved off my bed. “I’m supposed to spend the day with them so Mary can clean more.”

“Don’t remind me,” I groaned and fell back against my bed, I was still sore from the day before. “Mary wants to tackle the garage today, did you know that?”

Zack just laughed, “I offered to help but she told me I would just get in the way.” I told him I wouldn’t laugh too hard; Mary cleaning normally meant she would find some stuff for the ‘honey-do’ list. He pointed his finger at me and gave me a stern look, “Don’t go giving her any ideas!”

I just laughed as he headed for the door. When he went to pass through the doorway, I called out to him. “Zack?” I pushed back my blankets and jumped out of bed as he turned and said what. “You know when you stormed out of Chad’s yesterday?” He nodded, of course he knew. “Well I know this is going to sound crazy but,” I frowned as I stared up at him, searching for the words to explain what I felt. “I had the same feeling at that moment as I did when I finally realized that mom and dad weren’t coming home.” He started to say something but I continued. “I never ever want to feel that way again, I don’t know how I would handle it if you never came home and the last words I said to you were, ‘I hate you’.”

“Oh God Anna,” Zack grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me into his arms. “You can’t think like that, if you do you’ll drive yourself crazy.”

“I just meant that I…” I took a breath in hopes to calm myself enough to say what I was thinking without crying. “You are more than just a brother to me Zack, losing you would hurt just as much as losing mom and dad.”

“Damn Anna,” Zack hugged me tighter as he closed his eyes to hide his emotions from me. “You’ll never lose me,” his voice was a little shaky as he spoke. “I’ll be here to walk you down the aisle, I’ll be here to see the joy on your face when you hold your first baby, and I’ll be here for all the other important life events Anna. Don’t worry about that.”

“You are a great dad Zack, to the girls and to me. I’m really glad that you stepped up and took me in when I needed you. I don’t know where I’d be if you weren’t there for me my whole life.”

Zack was too choked up to say anything; he just hugged me even tighter, which I didn’t think was even possible.

I was very happy that I got to say what I was thinking to him that morning; it needed to be said. I made a promise to myself as he squeezed the bejesus out of me that I would try to never say or do anything stupid to hurt him again. He gave me so much and I for that I was very grateful.