I Believe In Love

Why daddy kiss mommy?

I stared at Jess is disbelief; I must have heard that wrong! There’s no way that Josh would be that stupid, that much of a hypocrite. Is there? I felt nauseous, my stomach was turning and I swear my heart had jumped into my throat, I wasn’t even sure I could breathe anymore.

I needed to know more but as I looked at Jesse’s worried expression, I knew there was no way I could subject him to the machine gun round of questions that just into my head the moment he asked that question. He’s just a little kid, I told myself. What if it wasn’t what he thought? What if it was like the time that he told Josh Hank kissed me and it was just on the cheek. What if Carol was just having a back day and Josh was trying to calm her down? What if it was just a kiss on the cheek?

“Ama? Why daddy kiss mommy?” Jess asked again.

“I don’t know,” I finally found my voice. “You will have to ask daddy that question sweetie.” I didn’t want to talk about it anymore; I didn’t even what to think about it so I changed the subject. “Are you hungry?” I asked him as I heard Josh coming down the hall, whistling.

When Josh turned the corner, I couldn’t even look at him; I concentrated on Jesse who had said he was hungry. “Did you want a grilled cheese sandwich?”

“Yes Ama,” Jess gave me a grin. “But no brown, otay Ama?”

“He means crust,” Josh told me as he sat down next to us and moved to wrap his arm around me.

“I know,” my reply was a little icy and I still couldn’t look at him nor could I stand to have him touch me at that moment; I moved away from him. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him frown as he looked at me. “Go with daddy,” I told Jess as I gripped him by the waist and plopped him on Josh’s lap.

I was up and off the couch before Josh asked me what was wrong, I pretended I didn’t hear him as I made a beeline right for the kitchen; I needed something to do and making Jess something to eat was going to have to do.

“Anna?” I heard Josh call after me and then heard Jess say, “I ask you daddy.”

“You ask me what Jess?” Josh must have gotten off the couch with Jess because I swear his voice was getting closer to the kitchen. He did and it was; he turned the corner just after he spoke to Jess. “Anna what’s going on?”

“I ask you daddy!”

Josh looked back and forth between Jess and me – I was ignoring him, kind of, as I grabbed margarine and cheese from his fridge and Jesse looked upset with him. “Ok,” Josh said slowly. “What did you want to ask me Jesse?”

Jesse took a deep breath, “I ask why daddy kiss mommy.”

“What?” Josh started to laugh but stopped suddenly. “WHAT?” He was at my side; he sat Jess on the counter and reached out to me. “Anna please,” he said softly when I yanked my arm away from his hand. “You know –”

“I’m kind of busy right now,” I told him as I slapped a couple slices of bread onto the counter and then ripped the cover off the margarine. “Jess wants a grilled cheese sandwich without the crusts.”

“Anna come on, I think we should –”

I turned to glare at him. “Leave me alone,” I said through clenched teeth. “I really don’t want to talk about this right now.” I didn’t wait for him to say anything; I turned away from him once again.

He tried once again to get me to look at him but I walked away from him. I know it wasn’t right to not let him explain but damn, I was a little shocked and hurt that I found out from Jesse that Josh kissed Carol. Josh sighed, told Jesse they would go play while I finished making his sandwich for him.

Once they were back into the living room and I was standing over the stove grilling the sandwich, I started to think about what Jess said. I was mad and yet I knew I was being hypocritical too; I hated it when Josh didn’t let me explain and yet I was not letting him do it either.

“Jesse your sandwich is ready,” I called out a couple minutes later.

“I come Ama!” He called back.

I had just placed his plate and glass of juice on the table when Josh came over with him in his arms. I turned and went back into the kitchen where I was making another sandwich and had a couple more waiting to be grilled.

Once Jess was settled, Josh came into the kitchen with me. “Anna I want you –” I flipped the sandwich I was grilling onto a plate and shoved it at him before turning to put another one into the pan. “Thanks Honey,” he said as he placed the plate onto the counter. “But I think we should talk –”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I told him. “It’s ok.”

“What do you mean its ok? How can it be ok if you are mad at me?”

I shrugged, flipped the sandwich in the pan and sighed. “Just go eat.”

“No Anna, you can’t just dismiss me like this! I know you are upset; you can’t even look at me! I don’t want to ‘go eat’ I want to talk about this right now.”

Slowly I turned towards him and stared up at him. “There’s nothing to talk about,” I told him. “Unless you are a complete hypocrite, I believe Jess made a mistake, that the ‘kiss’ he’s talking about was an innocent one, like on the cheek or something like that. I like to believe that I can trust you when you tell me that you love me and you want to be with me.” I paused for a second to remove the grilled sandwich from the pan and put the last one in. “Now,” I turned back to him. “If I’m completely wrong about you, then I suggest you take over this pan so I can leave. If I’m right and it was just a kiss on the cheek, I suggest you take both those sandwiches to the table and eat them so we can bathe Jess and get ready to go to your parents’ house.”

I couldn’t believe how confident I sounded when I was trembling like a scared little girl on the inside, I thought I would die as he stood there and stared down at me. Move, I pleaded. Take the plate and move towards the table before I lose it and cry like a little baby.

Josh made a move but it wasn’t one I was expecting, he removed the flipper from my hand and my heart dropped.

“I love you,” he murmured as he pulled me into his arms and kissed me softly. Without another word, he released me, picked up his plate and made his way to the table, whistling happily as he went.

Oh my God! I slumped against the counter, relief washing over me as my heart returned to its normal place in my chest.