Again I Screw Up - Will I Ever Learn?

Everything was going great in my life once again. I was spending equal amounts of time with my family/friends as I was with Josh. There were no major upsets or disappointments on either front for a while, a nice long while actually.

The rest of March ended with Josh and I taking it slow; we were actually going out either alone or with a group of our friends just as much as we stayed in for a romantic night. We had made a ‘deal’ of sorts, both of us talked it through and decided that this time around we would get to know each other better before becoming sexually involved. At first I was a little upset by this but when I got there and really thought about it, I think that was one of the main reasons I felt like we were spiraling out of control in our relationship; I wasn’t comfortable with how quickly I dropped my guard and let him in my bed.

March faded into April and with it came Easter. Josh had made plans while we were apart to visit his grandparents over the Easter break, he had asked me if I could go along with him but that Easter was the first time in a long time that I had both my brothers home. I wanted to tell him I would go with him but at the same time I wanted to spend Easter with my family. When I explained it to him, he told me it was ok. April came and went without incident.

It was May long weekend before I knew it. Josh and I had finally made some plans to spend the entire weekend alone together; it was the one weekend that he agreed to let Carol keep Jesse because she had some family reunion thing happening. I couldn’t wait for it, as much as I loved Jesse; I wanted a weekend with Josh without him.

Josh insisted that I let him plan our weekend but he wouldn’t let me in on what he was thinking about doing. “Just trust me,” he would tell me whenever I asked about it. “I promise that you’ll love every second of it.” The week before all he would tell me was, for that weekend I was his. “No family, no friends, nothing but you and me. For this weekend, the outside world doesn’t exist.”

I was excited to say the least! Excited and a little nervous, I didn’t like not knowing what was going to happen but he wouldn’t give anything up.

Josh had somehow gotten the Friday before the weekend off, I’m not really sure how many favors he called in but he jokingly told me that he did things no man should ever have to do to spend time with his woman. We were going to head out for our destination after he got off work on Thursday but one phone call from Carol changed all that.

The Wednesday before we were going to leave, I was over at his place watching him pack to see if I could figure out where we were going by what he put in his bag but it was no use, he didn’t pack anything special.

Josh had returned to the bed with underwear and socks in his hands to put in his bag. “That should do it,” he told me while he bent over the bag.

“Are you sure you need those?” I asked jokingly as I reached out to tug on the underwear in his hand. “I think this weekend you should go commando, what do you say?” Laughing, he told me that he will if I will. “Umm, no,” was my reply.

“Then I think I’ll pack them, if you don’t mind.”

“I mind,” I told him but he still packed them before moving his bag to the floor so he could join me on his bed.

“This weekend is going to be so much fun Anna.”

“You know what will be fun?” I asked and he shook his head. “If you tell me what we’ll be doing!”

Josh smiled at me for a moment. “Ok,” he pulled me into my side so I was facing him as we lay on his bed. “I’ll tell you what we are doing,” he paused and I so thought he was going to tell me the details but instead he said, “We are going out of town.”

“Josh!” I poked him in the stomach. “I know that much! What are we going to be doing while we are out of town? Where are we going?”

He kissed the tip of my nose. “If I tell you all that Anna, it won’t be a surprise and I really want to surprise you.”

I started to say that he should tell me because what if I don’t like what he planned, even though I knew I would like it because he planned it all for us, when his phone rang.

“Hold that thought,” he said as he rolled onto his back to grab the phone. He started to say hello but stopped. “Carol what do you mean I have to take Jesse this weekend? You said you were taking him to your – well isn’t that nice. What about my plans?” He listened for a while to what she was saying but he didn’t look too impressed at all. “That sounds like a bullshit excuse Carol! I asked you how many times if you were really taking Jesse and you swore up and down that you were! And now you tell me things change?” I could hear Carol’s voice but I couldn’t hear what she was saying but she sounded really upset. “Fine!” Josh snapped. “I don’t care that you are sorry, it doesn’t change the fact that once again you are screwing me over.”

With that said, he pressed the ‘end’ button on his phone. “Fuck!” He slammed the phone back into its base and fell back against the bed. I watched him rub his hands over his face before he turned back to me. “Anna I –”

“We aren’t going away this weekend, are we?” I knew we weren’t, Jesse came first but still I had to ask.

“No,” he said and I turned away from him. I was so disappointed, I wanted to cry. “Honey I’m sorry,” I felt his hand on my shoulder as he moved behind me. “I was really looking forward to this weekend with you. I mean how could I not? It’s been a long time since we spent a weekend by ourselves and I wanted it to be special. I was going to take you –”

“Josh don’t!” I pulled away from him and sat up without looking at him. “I don’t want to know what we were going to do this weekend, not now.” I heard him sigh and I knew there was no point in being mad at him for this.

“I’m sorry Anna,” he sat up and wrapped his arms around me. “I wish there was something I could do but Carol if freaking out, she says I have to take Jesse this weekend.”

“Why?” I finally looked at him. “Why this weekend? What’s going on that she can’t look after him?”

“I don’t know,” he told me. “She was acting very strange, she just told me that I had to take Jess, that she needed to know that she wouldn’t have to worry about him this weekend.” He shook his head. “I don’t know what’s going on but she seemed really scared, she kept rambling about needing to protect Jess and Niles.”

“I have to make a call,” I jumped off the bed and grabbed his phone. I didn’t even notice that he was giving me a confused look, all I could think of was, is this it? Is this the weekend that Zack and his fellow cops were making a move on Phil? Is that why Carol is panicking?

I quickly dialed Zack’s number; it took a few rings before he answered. “Looks like my plans have been cancelled,” I said to him as he was saying ‘hello’.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” he replied right away.

“It’s happening, isn’t it?”

“Anna you know I can’t tell you anything.”

“Why this weekend?”

“Anna you know I can’t tell you anything!” He snapped. “I’m sorry your weekend is ruined but there’s nothing I could do about it if I wanted too. I have to go.”

I glanced at Josh; he was staring at me, frowning. He looked more upset at that moment than he did when he got off the phone with Carol. And I realized it was because of me, and the conversation I was having at that moment. “What about Josh?” I asked Zack.

He sighed, “He’ll be ok. Just make sure that Jess is with him this weekend Anna.”

“No, I meant –”

“I know what you meant Anna and I forbid you to tell Josh anything! Just – wait a minute! He’s right there with you, isn’t he?” I told him yes and Zack started to curse. “Anna of all the stupid things you’ve ever done in your life, this one tops them all! What the hell are you thinking? The more people who know about this the higher the chance that someone will fuck it up! We’ve spent months on this Anna; I can’t afford to have you ruin it! I told you I didn’t want Josh to know anything was going on because he wouldn’t act normally, he would freak! I don’t need Josh freaking because he thinks Jess is in danger!”

“I’m sorry! I wasn’t thinking about that!”

“That’s the problem Anna, you don’t think before you do something!” My brother cursed a few more times before telling me not to say a damn thing to Josh, “I’ll be there in ten minutes.”